four leaf clovers

why do i feel trapped? this question has consumed me lately. i get trapped in commited relationships, trapped in my job, my school, my band, my country, my religion, my body, myself. it doesn't end.

this morning i was answered.

i feel trapped because none of it is mine. i am the summation of what's happened TO me, not BECAUSE of me. i thought i was scared of the 9-5 job and the family because i didn't want to participate in the status quo for the sake of the status quo, but that's only part of the truth. the whole truth is that to participate in the status quo for it's own sake, is to allow life to happen to me and for me. in essence: to permit life to enslave me. it's a question of ownership.

why don't i start a business? why don't i book my band a world tour? why don't i find a girl and pursue her? why don't i save my money or just "live below my means" now so that i can get out of my current situation later? it's the strangest paradox that i live for now out of laziness, and yet never enjoy that very same now because i'm too busy looking forward and dreaming empty dreams that are so, because deep down i know i'll never chase them.

chasing is dangerous. chasing = heartbreak and dissapointment 95% of the time. that's a proven fact.

every single thing i have in life is only "mine" because it was given to me. this is a problem. and it's no wonder so many people believe in destiny, or fate, or predestination or whatever you want to call it. i see people living like me everywhere. it's intimidating and scary to go look for the job that would make us happy, so instead we pray for God to provide one for us. then we consider it an answer to that prayer if the next day a man calls and offers us a crummy job. THAT'S NOT GOD. the man on the telephone is not GOD (well he could be, but that's another subject for another day).

i believe God exists. i believe God wants to be known. i believe many, many people (myself included) really have no clue who or what God really is. just like Pi was saying, we make God who we want Him to be. i suppose i want Him to be a welfare system.

or maybe just a little good luck.

what do you want Him to be?

STOP IT

i will if you will.